Sex, Dating & Relationships

I do not normally wear my heart on my sleeve, but an explanation for the intermittent publication of this daily blog is required.

No doubt most of you will be aware of the trouble that is ongoing in Kenya. I originate from there and unfortunatley a large number of my immediate family still live there.

Clearly in the circumstances I am unable to keep my eye on the ball as well as I would like - hence the intermittent postings to this blog.

Bear with me and as things return to normal and as soon as I can ascertain the safety of my family I will recommence this blog on its more regular daily schedule.

In the meantime do look in from time to time because I will keep posting as and when I can.

Thank you all - ed

Michelle E. Vasquez, MS, LPC Vasquez

Everyone wants a happier marriage yet few people know what to do to achieve it. So many times people look to their spouse to “complete” them instead of looking inside themselves to figure out how they can help their relationship thrive. Here are some ideas to get you started on the road to a happier marriage.

1. Overlook your spouse’s faults like you overlook your own. If you are honest with yourself, you will admit you have faults, just as everyone does. If you’re really honest with yourself, you will admit that you often overlook or dismiss your bad habits, while criticizing your spouse’s bad habits. Decide today to go easy on your spouse. Let go of the need to correct his faults and you may find him less critical of yours.

2. Decide what kind of day you want to have, and then create it. Yes, you can do this. A rainy day doesn’t make you have a “bad day.” You decide how to deal with things that are out of your control, like the weather, other people’s driving, your boss’s micromanaging, etc. You can choose misery or you can choose peace of mind.

It begins with what you tell yourself. For example: if it’s raining in the morning you can fret and tell yourself, “This is going to be a terrible day. I’ll get wet, people will drive like maniacs, and I’ll be late for work. This day is ruined.” Guess what? You’re right. Try this instead: “I am grateful for the rain. I’ll leave early for work and I’ll drive carefully. I can put on my favorite music and I’ll choose calm. This is a great day.” Your spouse will thank you when you decide what kind of day to have and her “bad mood” won’t bother you!

3. A kiss on the cheek at an unexpected time can create goodwill. If you have a habit of greeting your spouse with a friendly, “Where were you? Why didn’t you call? You said you were going to be here by 6:00,” take a deep breath and hold that thought. Try this instead: “I’m so glad to see you. How was your day?” then kiss him on the cheek and enjoy the rest of your evening together. Maybe your spouse will think you’ve gone crazy, but it will definitely be a change from the usual evening sparring match.

4. Always greet your spouse with a smile. Remember why you married her and let that warm feeling create your smile. Smiles are contagious; you’re likely to get one back when you practice this. When he calls you, answer the phone with a smile. You will feel differently when you smile and your spouse can hear your smile in your voice.

5. Add to this a bonus. Smiles and hugs go together like salt and pepper. We need human contact with the one we chose to marry. Hugs can melt away resentment and generate compassion. Virginia Satir, one of the key figures in the development of family therapy, declared that we need twelve hugs a day to maintain our mental health. How many hugs are you giving each other each day?

6. Always be the first to say, “I’m sorry,” even if you believe you were right (especially if you believe you are right). When you believe you are right and you’re willing to create distance between you and your spouse to hold onto your “rightness” you damage your relationship. Ask yourself if you want to win the argument or win the relationship. You can’t do both.

7. Make a daily habit of remembering what made you fall in love with him. If you only focus on your partner’s faults, you will quickly “fall out” of love. You can decide to focus on what you like and appreciate your spouse. This is not something to keep to yourself. Appreciate her and tell her. Daily. Appreciation has a wonderful benefit of coming back to you. People will do more for you when they realize you truly appreciate them and what they do.

8. Make blame an obsolete concept. It has no place in your marriage. Blame is so dangerous to the health of your marriage. Blame says you are a victim and your happiness is totally dependent on your spouse doing everything just the way you want it. Choose to take responsibility for what you can control: your own behavior. Before a blaming statement leaves your mouth, ask yourself what you can do to help your marriage.

9. Total honesty is not helpful. Discretion is better. Focusing on the good things you can say to each other is best. I think some people use the phrase “I’m just being honest” to say some pretty ugly things to each other. Sometimes people say they’re being honest, but they are really only expressing their opinion. Before you decide to say that “honest” thing to your spouse, think about how it will impact your relationship. Can you phrase it differently? Does it need to be said? Is it just your opinion? Think about it.

10. Ask yourself, “What can I do today that will bring me closer to the one I married?” Then do it. Keep it simple, using the examples above or creating your own. You have a creative mind and you can make this a daily habit. You will reap the benefits of a closer, happier marriage. Keep up these habits, building on them, and you can create the marriage of your dreams.

A liberated lifestyle for strong couples

Dear readers we at Sex Dating and Relationships (SDR) wish you all a very happy 2008.

Use the Waiter Rule to Evaluate a Date

Barbara Bartlein

Working my way through college, I waited tables and tended bar. Though I have several degrees with an emphasis on human behavior and psychology, I swear I learned more about people from slinging hash and pouring drinks. I can remember accidentally spilling a few drops of an ice cream drink on a lady’s skirt and being totally humiliated as she screamed at me in the restaurant. I also recall a very kind man who didn’t get upset even though there were repeated problems with his order.

Rudeness to service staff reveals information about a person’s character reported in a recent article in USA Today. Office Depot CEO Steve Odland, who also waited tables as a teenager, states, “You can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she treats a waiter.” It seems that he is not the only CEO to discover the “Waiter Rule.”

The Waiter Rule has been identified by many executives, including Raytheon CEO Bill Swanson. There is one rule that Swanson says never fails: “A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, or to others, is not a nice person.” Swanson first identified this phenomenon when he was eating with a man who became irate to a waiter because the restaurant did not stock a particular wine.

“Watch out for people who have a situational value system, who can turn the charm on and off depending on the status of the person they are interacting with,” Swanson writes. “Be especially wary of those who are rude to people perceived to be in subordinate roles.”

The Waiter Rule has also been noticed on the dating scene. A November survey of 2,500 by It’s Just Lunch, a dating service for professionals, found that being rude to waiters ranks No. 1 as the worst in dining etiquette. Some waiters report that women will actually pull them aside to see how much their dates tipped to obtain insight into his use of money and other tendencies.

The Waiter Rule can also apply to how people treat those in other service roles like bellmen, hotel maids, clerks and secretaries according to USA Today. This can be more indicative of someone’s character than all the charm you experience in the relationship.

Using the Waiter Rule can be an accurate predictor of character because it isn’t easily learned or unlearned. It is more likely a person’s true colors and speaks to how they were raised and their value system. How a potential partner treats a waiter may be how they will treat you.

Some behaviors that indicate a problem:

*Playing the power card. Comments like “I could buy this place,” or “Do you know who I am?” reveal more about the diner’s character than his wealth or power. It is unlikely that he will be compassionate to you if he is consumed with power and control.

*Having a short fuse. This person may have an ego that is out of control. It is a way of saying that she is better than the wait staff; she is special. These people tend not to be collaborative in relationships.

*Demanding about every detail. You may be looking at a micro-manager who consistently sends the message that your efforts are not good enough. He may be critical and demeaning rather than supportive and encouraging.

*Speaking in a condescending manner. The message here is clear; she thinks she is better than those in subordinate positions. She may have a need to feel important by putting others down.

*Making a public scene. If he embarrasses you in the restaurant, he will embarrass you at home. At best he has poor manners, at worst, his judgment is faulty. Either way, he will not make a good partner.

*Easily turning on and off the charm. These folks have situational values, which may also indicate situational ethics. People with firm character adhere to their value system regardless of the circumstances. Avoid these people like the plague.

*Constantly looking around the room. Rather than being focused on the table conversation, he is distracted and not engaged. He may be looking to see who else is there or whether he is being noticed. Regardless, he will have the same behavior with you in other settings.

*Poor tipper. She may justify leaving a poor tip with various complaints about the service or the waiter. Anyone who has ever worked in a service industry knows that it is very hard work with a low base pay. If the service is adequate, a 15% tip is customary. A twenty percent or more gratitude is standard for exceptional service.

Try using the Waiter Rule whether you are evaluating a partner in a relationship. You may save yourself a lot of future problems by dining out.

Swingers survival manual

This blog is now taking a little time off for the christmas holiday.

We will be back on January 7th 2008 with more daily news to keep you informed and helping you in your Sex, Dating and Relationship matters.

In the meantime please have a happy and safe holiday season.

From all of us at SDR very many happy returns to all our readers.

There’s more to life - It’s a Swing Thing. Check it out.

Karen Jack

I know so many people who would like to bring sex toys into their relationship but have been too worried to do anything about it incase they offend their partner. I’m also sure that many people out there have tried to share a favourite sex toy with their partner and were not expecting such a negative response. Whatever the reason, it is possible to introduce sex toys into your relationship. Here are three good reasons for doing just that.

1. Sex toys help you to have better orgasms, and in some cases help you to have orgasms.

2. At some point in a relationship both parties get bored with their sex life, introducing sex toys brings a new element of fun to it and sharing new experiences together can only help enhance your relationship and bring more intimacy between you.

3. Sex toys can also help you to have better sex.

Whilst the above comments would be enough to convince some people, others will need a little more convincing. Before going out and buying a sex toy to use within your relationship it’s always better to sit down with your partner beforehand to discuss how each other feels about this new idea.

You should always treat your partners concerns with respect, and be prepared to deal with feelings such as inadequacy, emotional discomfort and ignorance. With all things in relationships, it’s always best to discuss things through and listen to each others points of view.

While sex toys are commonly used for solo sex, many couples enjoy using sex toys together. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship, quite the opposite in fact. Usually it means both people are open-minded, intimate and trusting of their partner.

Once you are comfortable about bringing sex toys into the relationship, just remember a few basic tips.

Start slow. Try a nice, simple small dildo or vibrator. Once your partner is used to the toy, you can always try something else.

Be gentle. Your partner may like it on the rough side, but hold back a little for the first few times you play with vibrators or dildos. There’s plenty of time to up the pace later.

Talk to your partner. They may have agreed to use the toy, but that doesn’t mean your lover is 100% comfortable with the idea. Talk your way through the experience. Ask your partner if what you are doing together feels good. If it doesn’t, try something else.

Use lubrication. Sex toys need lots of lube to slip and slide the way they should.

Be flexible. The toy you’ve selected might turn out to be something totally different to what you were expecting. Don’t worry, put it aside and try something different.

Be patient. Your partner may agree to play with the toy, and then change their mind half way through the experience. Be patient and try again another time. It might take time, but it will be worth the wait.

The important thing to remember is that your relationship is a partnership, which implies that both of you are in this together, make the decisions together and select the toy together. Sharing the experience goes a long way to promoting even more trust between you. Most of all, enjoy the experience. If it really isn’t for you, then at least you’ve tried something new.

There’s more to life - It’s a Swing Thing. Check it out.